Why it’s Different This Time – Enough is Enough

This blog entry is part of a series I am writing specifically on my weight loss journey.  It is looking at why after years of trying I feel that this time it is different and I’m finally making it work.  I suppose another way to look at these entries is my guide to success (hopefully anyway).  If you would like to read more in this series please check out the following entry:

• Introduction 

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When people talk about changing their lives drastically they almost always have a rock bottom story or moment.  I never really had that when it came to my weight.  That changed however and I think now that I have a moment it is one of the major reasons that this time my journey feels so different.  I have a clear understanding of just how bad things had gotten.  I am no longer able to just accept the status quo when it comes to my weight.  I have finally reached a point where I am ready to make long and lasting changes even if they aren’t the easiest changes to make.  This entry has been one of the hardest for me to write.  No one wants to admit that they are in a bad spot or to own the worst parts of our lives.  I do know that I do feel a great deal of power and strength coming from the fact that I am ready to own where I am and have been in my life.  It is almost liberating to write about it even while being completely terrifying.  The memory of being at my worst helps drive me forward so that I can get to my best and that is what makes it very worthy of being a part of this blog as scary as it is to share.

Growing up heavy has played a huge part in why I think it has taken me so long to hit my bottom.  I have never known what it is really like to be a normal weight.  I have been smaller than I am now but when compared to other people I was always heavy.  It has never really bothered me.  I have always accepted that I was different.  Sure I wished I wasn’t bullied because of it and especially when I look back to junior high and high school being heavy had huge implications on my world but I don’t feel like it every really kept me down.  I never felt that my weight held me back from anything I wanted to do.  It did sometimes make it more challenging but I have always been able to find a way to make my weight work for me.  I learned to compensate for things like a wonky center of gravity or a tummy that gets it the way.  I just adapted to it.  I was always able to work out, never really experienced any major aches or pain and just generally have never felt pulled down by the weight.  I was happy with life and in reality didn’t see the need to change anything so even when trying to change it was hard to make anything lasting stick.  It sort of stems from the old adage if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

That started to change though.  Over the past few years I started to find that in subtle ways life was getting harder.  I was starting to lose the energy I had which was making even getting up and going to work more challenging.  More than the loss of energy though was the fact that I was also starting to actively choose to avoid doing things that would be more active.  If my co-workers were going out to lunch I would come up with an excuse because I didn’t want to walk the couple blocks to the restaurant.  If friends that I hadn’t seen in a long time wanted to meet up I would start to feel anxiety over it because of the fact I was getting heavier and worried they would judge me.  Most of all I was starting to look at myself through a negative filter - the same filter people had been applying to me for years.  All of this was starting to play on my mind.  I was starting to recognize that I need to make some serious changes but as much as I was starting to be unhappy with my situation none of this was really pushing me forward to make those changes.

This growing dissatisfaction though would add into the moment that became the final straw.  It was a moment that happened in July 2013.  Our office had been relocated to another building because of the flooding in Calgary in June.  The parking for the new building was at an overflow lot a few blocks away that they shuttled people to and from.  The shuttles they used were generally school buses.  I knew from past experiences that school buses are not designed for people like me.  I also knew that since the last time I was on a school bus I had gained weight.  This worried me enough that for the first little while I avoided the shuttle.  I walked the 10 minutes to and from work to the lot until one day when it was raining.  I decided to wait and take the shuttle rather than getting soaked.  I got on okay although it was a tight squeeze to get to the first row of seats.  When we arrived at work I waited for everyone else to get off because I knew it wasn’t going to be pretty when I tried.  I’m not graceful at the best of times but give me a tight space and any hope of grace is thrown out the window.  I got up and went to leave and couldn’t maneuver myself right.  Somehow I had twisted weird and pretty much got myself stuck between the divider that separates the door and driver from the rest of the bus which is just a little narrower than the aisle that leads down the bus.  I was mortified.  I panicked and had vision of having to be rescued.  I also flashed back to the old Winnie the Pooh cartoon where he gets stuck in Rabbit’s hole.  It felt like forever until I was able to push myself free and out of the bus.  The driver was super sympathetic and made some joke about the buses not being designed for adults which although I know it wasn’t his intention made me feel worse.  I was never more embarrassed than I was in that moment.  I also never got on the shuttle again for the next year and a half we were working there.

That moment changed my life.  I think it was truly the first time I ever actually saw just how big I had gotten.  The ability to shrug it off and keep on going was gone.  For the first time I had concrete proof that my weight was a serious issue.  It very literally got in the way and trapped me.  It was the first time I ever thought of myself as fat.  All the stuff that came before this moment could not compare to the depths of feelings I had in that one short moment.  All the shame and negativity others had directed towards me for years all swept over me and I felt all of it towards myself.  When I stepped off that bus I was at my lowest point.  I have never felt worse about myself.  It made for a pretty long day at work.  The good news is though that from that moment I knew that I had to make a change.  It was no longer an option to continue on as I had been telling myself that my weight wasn’t an issue.  I could no longer convince myself that I was okay.  I knew I had to use that moment to help motivate me.  It was shortly after all of this that I created my “move more” goal and ended up with my fitbit.

This moment has become a very real reminder for me.  Anytime I think about giving up or going back to my old ways I remind myself how I felt in that moment.  I remind myself that if I continue as I have always done that I will have more moments like that.  It has made it so that quitting is not an option.  I may not know what it feels like to be skinny but I sure know what fat feels like now and I would much rather choose the unknown than to experience more of that.  As long as I can remember that moment I know that I will always choose to keep pushing my journey forward.